Men are deep thinkers

What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying

'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are

deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

Time for another beer.

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Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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Hungry Wolf

This is a short story about Hungry Wolf. 

Once, a wolf was very hungry. It looked for food here and there. But it couldn't get any. At last it found a loaf of bread and piece of meat in the hole of a tree. 



The hungry wolf squeezed into the hole. It ate all the food. It was a woodcutter's lunch. He was on his way back to the tree to have lunch. But he saw there was no food in the hole, instead, a wolf. 



On seeing the woodcutter, the wolf tried to get out of the hole. But it couldn't. Its tummy was swollen. 



The woodcutter caught the wolf and gave it nice beatings. 

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Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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An Old man's poem

Little Poem, so true it hurts!

Another year has passed

And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.

There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About 'Living in the Past'

We used to go to weddings,
Football games and lunches..
Now we go to funeral homes
And after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And wile the night away.

We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
To places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
From riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs
And drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
And watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you're too damned old!

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Baptising an Irishman

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No,oi I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
(Are you ready for this????)

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?'

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Insanity

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The Crow and The Necklace

Once a crow and his wife built their nest atop a huge banyan tree beside a river. They were very happy there. But when the female crow laid her eggs, they were in for an unpleasant shock. A huge snake who lived in a hole at the bottom of the tree came up and ate all their beautiful eggs. 

The crows were helpless with anger and pain. “You can’t let this wicked snake eat our children anymore," cried the female crow bitterly. “You have to find a way to save them from him,’ she said. 

“Let us go to our friend the jackal. He is very clever. He will surely be able to help us with a solution," said the male crow. 

They both flew to the cave in the forest where their friend the jackal lived. 

The jackal saw them coming. “Hello my friends. Why do you look so sad and worried? Can I help you in any way?"he asked. 

“Every time my wife lays eggs in our nest, a wicked snake living at the foot of the tree eats them up," explained the crow. 

“We want to get rid of him and save our children. Please tell us what we can do." 

The jackal thought for some time. “I know what you should do," said the jackal and he told the plan to the crows. 

It was a habit of the queen to come with her maids for a bath to the river. When they did so, they removed all their clothes and jewels and placed them on the river bank. On the following day the queen and her maids as usual entered the river. 

“You know what to do right?" asked the crow to his wife. “Yes," she answered. 

Both of them flew over the pile of clothes and jewels. The female crow swiftly picked up a precious pearl necklace in her beak. At the same time the male crow began to caw loudly to gain the attention of the queen and her maids. 

“Oh, those crows have taken my pearl necklace." cried the queen. “Guards!" she cried. “Get that necklace back from those pesky crows." Her guards chased the crows shouting loudly. 

The crows flew straight to the banyan tree with the guards close behind. Hearing all the noise, the snake came out of his hole at the foot of the tree. Immediately, the female crow dropped the necklace right where the snake was. 

“Look out! There is a huge snake near the necklace," alerted one guard. 

Before the snake could realise what was happening, the guards attacked him with sharp spears and killed him. The guards then picked up the necklace and took it back to their queen. 

The crows thanked their friend the jackal for helping them get rid of their enemy. They lived happily with their children. 

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Extra Weight

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