"POLITICAL CORRECTNESS"

For the last six odd years, almost all of the things I wanted to write or say, have been stymied by a recently coined term referred to as "POLITICAL CORRECTNESS"!

Although I consider myself rather fluent in the English language, that term was not in my vocabulary.

My curiosity got the best of me and I decided to do a little research and after two weeks of chasing fruitless leads, I found what I'd been looking for at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence Missouri.
An unnamed source there sent me copies of four telegrams that were between Harry Truman and Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the Surrender Agreement.


The contents of those four telegrams below are exactly as received, not a word has been added or deleted!


1
Tokyo, Japan
0800-September 1,1945
To: President Harry S Truman 
From: General D A MacArthur

Tomorrow we meet with those yellow bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions! 


2
Washington, D C
1300-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur 
From: H S Truman 

Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!


3
Tokyo, Japan 
1630-September 1, 1945
To: H S Truman
From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz

Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?


4
Washington, D C 
2120-September 1, 1945 
To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
From: H S Truman 

Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end! 


Now, with special thanks to my friends at the Truman Museum and Harry, you and I finally have a full understanding of "POLITICAL CORRECTNESS"

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The Psychiatrist and Proctologist

The Psychiatrist and Proctologist  

  

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr.Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." 
The town council was not happy with the sign; so, the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors." 
This was not acceptable either; so, in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go. 
Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again. 
Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still no good. 
Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable. 
So they tried "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." No way. 
"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope. 
"Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh. 
"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. 
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it. 
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:   

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it !!!!!

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The bronze rat

The bronze rat

A bloke from the bush walked into a Sydney antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?' The owner replied: 'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story'

The fellow gave the owner his $12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed and ran on towards Sydney Harbour and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster.

By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'Shit no!' said the bloke, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim, a couple of Asians, a Kiwi and an Indian spin bowler.

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LADY DENTIST

LADY DENTIST

A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. 
She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthetic shot.
"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.
So she started to hook up the nitrogenous oxide tank, and the man said,

"I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."
So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.
"What are those?" he asked.
"Viagra," she replied.
"I'll be darned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

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Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With .25 Caliber Pistol

Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With .25 Caliber Pistol

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship. A woman survived a grizzly bear attack with one well-placed shot from her itsy bitsy .25 caliber Beretta Jetfire.

These are her own words: 

While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend, we were surprised when a huge grizzly bear came charging at us out of nowhere. 

She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.  If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire

I would not be here today! I yanked it out of my purse and fired one shot. The shot hit my boyfriend in his kneecap and the bear caught him easily. While the grizzly mauled the poor cripple, I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. I love that pistol. I'll find other boyfriends

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You won't find these at next door's drugstore...

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding
you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till
they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before
an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and
prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the
urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ..Can we get
naked now?.

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
irritation level as nagging him.

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Image/Imagem: Google Images

Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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Rubbish Collector

A rubbish collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie  bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin,
he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks, but there's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"Gidday, mate!  "Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, Where's your wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and  whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

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Image/Imagem: Google Images

Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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Three Wishes

Three men - a Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the genie. The Canadian says,'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ' POOF! With the blink of the genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming. The muslim was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.' The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,  'Fill it with water.’

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Image/Imagem: Google Images

Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A  Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated  him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf.  That was the  reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido  would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in  court.

When  the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he  takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The  Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The  lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the  money?"

Guido  signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." 

The lawyer tells  the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are  talking  about."

The  Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him  again or I'll kill him!"

The  lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell  him."

Guido  trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,  buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The  Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The  lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the  trigger."

Don't you just love Lawyers !!!

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Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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Some days are bad...Others...

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Monday Funnies

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated

but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."


The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.  What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the fu***ng thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"

"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick eejit !"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

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Image/Imagem: Refer to image

Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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Pulled Over

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a
woman passed over a  bridge only to find a cop with a
radar gun on the other side lying in  wait. The cop
pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that
classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,
"What's your hurry?" 

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what
do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And
just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

" Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger,
then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then
four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to
side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot
asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a
bridge." she responded.

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on Cop's face.......... PRICELESS

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Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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